I woke up from a horrible dream feeling that I’ve turned into a monster who stomped on a little girl who loved me but now hated me. She was bruised and sad and she was sitting on a doorstep waiting for me because no one else had let her in the house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is terrifying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What can I do to fix this?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It can’t have anything to do with Jett or with Ron. I made cinnamon rolls and oatmeal with raisins for Ron and me and mixed half a hard boiled egg with two kinds of dog food for Jett this morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I keep thinking about and worrying about my granddaughter which scares me to death. I know my fear is not based on anything real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We haven’t been doing much around town these days, partly because money was so tight from the first of the year to now and partly because we are old and “been there, done that” jaded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It occurred to me the other day that while I was looking for a new place to live, I wanted a house in the woods, and we pretty much have that even though our lot is small. For one thing, we’re on a hill, which gives the illusion of more space between houses than there would be on the flat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For another, our lot is surrounded by trees on three sides. The back of our lot abuts an undeveloped woodland and a steep hill with Henderson Brook at the bottom. We can see our neighbors’ houses but rarely see them, although Jett barks at or for their dog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My window has a limited mountain view in the winter but from now until November, all I can and will be able to see are leaves, branches and a little sky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We live in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. It’s beautiful no matter the season. The number of cultural and artistic events and amenities in North Berkshire County is astonishing never mind the activities an hour or so south of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
People are concerned for each other and support local businesses and Town government. Our neighbors wave to us, they are considerate and respectful. Business people are friendly and some of them even call us by our first names. Everyone loves our library; the new director is dynamic and imaginative and has launched a remarkable number of events. The College opens its facilities and performances to everyone; most opportunities are free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s nice here and we enjoy it, so why does my stomach hurt so often and why am I frightened right now? Why have I started to hate taking showers because I dread being cold? Why do I want to stomp on my little girl inner self and make her hate me and be afraid of me? Have I become the jealous, narcissistic, manipulative, cruel Rose Cohen? God help me, I hope not!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I woke up from a horrible dream feeling that I’ve turned into a monster who stomped on a little girl who loved me but now hated me. She was bruised and sad and she was sitting on a doorstep waiting … Continue reading